"Tighten up, Nephew!"
I lost my favorite uncle on October 10. Uncle Ronnie died so suddenly man. My sister and I had just had a cousin kiki with our day ones. They told us that he had been in and out of the hospital a lot lately. I knew he had some heart issues but my cousin Ash told us he deals with stress and anxiety too. I remember immediately being worried, and I told myself I was gonna call/text him and tell him to sit down somewhere. That was the nature of our relationship. I’d see him on the holidays, we’d talk shit, he’d tell me there’s some beer in the fridge, I’d tell him (AGAIN lol) that I don’t drink no nasty beer, I’d give him a hug after I packed my plate up, and he’d say “Aright, nephew. See you later!” On October 6, when I left my cousin’s house, I told myself I was gon cuss him at Thanksgiving and tell him I don't wanna hear nothing else about him being in the hospital. It never came. Thursday, October 10, I had just gotten out of a staff meeting when my dad texted my sister and I and said “I’m at the hospital, your uncle was rushed here after being found unresponsive.” My heart sunk and I asked what hospital. My dad said Mercy Fairfield - which coincidentally, is directly across the street from my job. I replied and said, “Okay, I’ll come up there on my lunch break.” Not even five minutes later, my dad called me with the worst news of my life. The thing about loss is, you’re never ready. I assumed my uncle and my dad would both grow up to be funny, grumpy, loving Black men who watch football and talk shit and retire - just like my grandpa. Losing my uncle was such a gut punch for our entire family. Every memory we assumed we’d have a chance to create was snatched away. And all we had was the time we were blessed to spend with him. Which suddenly seemed like not NEARLY enough. The last time I saw him was back in June, at my brother’s birthday party. I was gonna go over his house on the 4th, but didn’t. My birthday passed in August; Labor Day and his birthday passed in September..... and “next time” never came. Soon never happened.
I had to grapple with that, and it was hard. And it has taught me a poetic lesson about tomorrow: it truly isn't promised. And I feel the Universe urging me to LIVE. Live clear and live with purpose. 2019 has been a struggle in and out of a stupor of monotony. Sprinkled with depression but wholly different because it's a functioning daze. I can even picture plenty of fun moments and memories but in my heart I wasn't present.
His death jolted me out of that stupor. One of the things I do to make sure I'm #LivingClear is set gratitude and check-in alarms and try to write something every single day. I don't want to be robbed of another opportunity to tell somebody I love them or be present in the moment. I'm constantly working on this. Procrastination is probably the hardest habit to break, because you just lie to yourself so much. The excuses are a security blanket and when you're exposed, it really makes you FOCUS on yourself. So in this same fashion, I give thanks for this pivot in my life. It was of course painful but I recognize God in even this. As our family adjusts to a new normal without our dad, son, brother, husband, paw-paw, uncle, cousin and friend, I am just so thankful for each of them, and thankful for each day. I know he is watching over all of us. I know the ancestors welcomed him and we are covered. I’m grateful I told him I was going to law school, to which he replied, “Thank God, cuz one lawyer in this family ain’t enough!” I’m grateful to carry his name. There’s a hole as big as Texas in all of our hearts, but I’m thankful for his life. He was laid to rest with much dignity, honor and respect. And now, more than ever, my commitment is to “tighten up” and continue to make him proud. I miss you and I love you, Uncle. Captain Ronald E. Wilson, Jr.September 8, 1969 - October 10, 2019