I have ADHD. Thank God.

In August of 2021, I was assessed for ADHD and was diagnosed with attention-deficit hyperactivity disorder, predominantly inattentive type. Coincidentally (only not really), I was assessed a couple days after my 30th birthday, and about a week into my second year of law school. This is key, for later, lol.

I had already suspected that I might have some sort of ✨neurodivergent gift✨, so I wasn’t completely shocked with the diagnosis. But the implications of the diagnosis were much… deeper.

As I learned about myself through this new lens, I really started thinking about all the other ways I have just assimilated and assumed my way through the world. My entire life, I’ve had to adapt to the neurotypical world. When I didn’t measure up to whatever ridiculous standard, I figured that the problem must be with me. I figured, I must just be lazy, not ambitious enough, I need to get my hustle up, I need to grow up and focus and stop “flitting around“ like Denise Huxtable.

And you know what I realized? Ableism has had me in a CHOKEHOLD for THIRTY YEARS. 😧😣

Attorney and Social Justice Engineer Talila Lewis, Esq. defines ableism as:

able·ism /ˈābəˌlizəm/ noun: A system of assigning value to people's bodies and minds based on societally constructed ideas of normalcy, productivity, desirability, intelligence, excellence, and fitness. These constructed ideas are deeply rooted in eugenics, anti-Blackness, misogyny, colonialism, imperialism, and capitalism. This systemic oppression that leads to people and society determining people's value based on their culture, age, language, appearance, religion, birth or living place, "health/wellness", and/or their ability to satisfactorily re/produce, "excel" and "behave." You do not have to be disabled to experience ableism.

I love that definition. It’s appropriately broad, yet painfully specific. Because it exposes how ableism (and capitalism, and white supremacy) affects ALL of us. Ableism is the umbrella of standards under which we all (knowingly or unknowingly) exist. ABLEISM is what has us ALL feeling like we’re not doing, working, BEING enough. And, I come against that in the name of Jesus. 🥿⚡️

Because truly, WHOSE STANDARDS ARE WE USING TO MEASURE OUR SUCCESS? What even IS success? Do we even WANT success according to those standards which have directly evolved from the productivity expectations of chattel slavery? 🧐

So while my diagnosis was enlightening and gave me a sense of relief, I also felt a sense of… regret? I was sad about the many ways that I had convinced myself over the years that I needed fixing (or deliverance 🥴). Just agreeing with the notion that I'm lazy, absent minded, emotional/sensitive. Lamenting the way my brain works. Struggling with anxiety, depression, apathy, fear and not fully considering or understanding that my brain is actually just wired differently. 

The reality is: I'm not overreacting when I "run out". (“Run out” is a term my family and I use when somebody’s social battery is depleted. Think: when your Airpods make ✨the sound✨. It’s your body signaling to your brain that, 🚨“Wherever the hell we at right now, we need to get somewhere where you can breathe and remove your bra/wig and just decompress, ASAP.”🚨) Sometimes, I get overstimulated and overwhelmed in public spaces. And I’ve honestly learned to mask relatively well over the years. And sure, going out and being social can be fun (PLEASE don’t get it twisted, I am a GREAT time, when I’m safe and regulated! 💁🏾‍♀️) but the pandora has taken an already infrequent activity (I like to be social MAYBE twice a month, chile. 👵🏾) and added a new level of anxiety on top of potentially feeling fat, uncomfortable/sweaty/awkward (physically or socially) and just overwhelmed in general. And that’s okay.

I’m not lazy. (And that’s word to The Nap Bishop for stripping the word “lazy“ of its power. Because chile… yeah. I’ll write about that later. 👩🏾‍💻) Sometimes, I struggle with executive function. Everyday “simple” tasks can become mountains in my brain and I get paralyzed. And that’s okay.

I’m not scatterbrained. I have a MYRIAD of talents, interests and gifts and I’m gonna explore them ALL. To HELL with the notion that we have to “choose one or a few.“ I’m gonna do/have/be IT ALL! PERIOD. Rev. Kendall Brown said I should “take my creative whims seriously.“ In other words, I’m allowed to dream. I’m allowed to play. I’m allowed to imagine. Tbh, I HAVE to. And that’s okay.

I’ve spent 30 years framing things in terms of how I need to improve or adapt instead of what do I need in order for my brain and my body to function and be well?

And for that, I'm sorry. I'm sorry for not knowing how to voice my needs or advocate for myself or be able to figure out how to function and thrive in a society that is designed for me to always be broke, burned out, overwhelmed and unfulfilled. I’m sorry that I didn’t know better, before now. That every system had failed me, until now.

But somebody say, 🗣“NOW!”

It took about 7 months for me to understand myself within the context of having ADHD. I’m steadily creating new routines and rituals that help honor my needs and help me show up, well. It took me two full years to be able to confidently say that I know what’s going on (for the most part, lolol) in law school. I ain’t ‘shamed to admit that I been faking it, just waiting on my season of making it. AHHHND NOW?!?! Now that I have the knowledge, the awareness and the tools to take better care of myself and understand my body more, I both regret and am delighted to issue this warning: It is truly over for you hoes.* 🥿🤸🏾‍♀️

*Hoes, as in any hater who ever tried to shrink me.

PS: Any of my fellow neurodivergent friends or just folks who can relate, check out my Get Sh*t Done Party - a virtual co-working space that I created with us in mind. ✊🏾